October 15th

Today is officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. President Ronald Reagan declared October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month in 1988, and since 2002, October 15th has been the specific day. Everyone lights a candle at 7:00pm to remember. I came home from a photo session, and coincidentally, Hooper had a candle burning. I asked him if it was because of the day. He had no idea what I was talking about, and said it was because the living room smelled like dog pee. But hey, we had a candle burning. And of course I remembered our baby. I thought about it a lot today, but no more or less than any other day. The loss is still so fresh, and not thinking about it is a task.
Hooper got home last Wednesday, and my D & C was Thursday. It went very smoothly. I had to fast, and I'm always a real grump any time I have to fast. Not to mention my surgery wasn't scheduled until 12:30, so I was even hungrier than most surgery fasters. (Yes, I was!) When I was in the pre-op room, I noticed a rack on the wall with prayer cards/papers in them. I was really touched by the gesture, and it honestly put me at ease.
I was totally anesthetized for the surgery, and then I woke up to the sweetest nurses taking care of me. When the super duper sweet one passed me off, I just broke down crying. I know it was a mixture of the drugs and my emotions, but I just felt so sad. Right after that is when Hooper came back, and I cried to him, too. It was weird to think that my baby was no longer in my belly. We left the hospital and got something for me to eat (finally!), and came home. I felt totally normal on the way home- not like I had just been under anesthesia at all. I took about an hour and a half nap when I got home. Not because I needed to, just because I wanted to. I was expecting to feel totally drowsy and to take a deep, 4-5 hour nap. Then I expected to sleep a very deep sleep that night. My expectations were wrong. I slept horribly that night. In fact, I didn't start sleeping well until Sunday night. Friday I went to my mom's house and hung out with her and the kids to keep my mind off of everything. Hooper left town to play a gig in San Marcos. He was hesitant to leave me, but I assured him that all was well. Mom and Elliott and Bennett had a slumber party with us Friday night and we had a good time. Saturday night my best girlfriends and I went to dinner and saw "Legally Blonde" the musical at The Opera House.
It was really good for me to put makeup on and get out of my neighborhood. Finley saw me when I got ready and said, "You look better." (The night of the surgery she said, "You look different", and when I asked her what I looked like she said, "yike an old mom".) So her compliment gave me a little pep in my step. The next day Hooper and I took the kids to the State Fair to meet Eddie, Anna, Elliott, Beckett, Bennett, and baby Jude. 

The weather was absolutely perfect for the fair. We got there when they opened, which is the only way I'd advise going. 

Monday I returned to work for the first time since all of this. I was nervous that a client might ask me about the pregnancy, and that I'd have to tell them I lost the baby. I'm just not really sure if I can handle that sentence without tears yet, so it makes me nervous. Luckily, nobody asked me, and the day went just fine. It actually felt good to be back. Tuesday was my day off, and my cousin from Dallas met me in Glen Rose to go to Fossil Rim with the kids. She has 3 kids, and I brought Bennett, Finley and Fisher. It was an awesome day. We all had such a great time.

I'm totally blown away by all of the flowers, cards, and meals that we have received. People are so kind.I'm just taking things day by day, but I've actually gone 2 out of the past 3 days without crying. And Meatloaf once said, "two out of three ain't bad". And I love Meatloaf. More so the food than the singer. But I do like, "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I won't Do That)". 

I'm going to try to keep updating my blog throughout the healing process. If anybody is in the same boat as me, my secret to laughter is slumber parties with family, girls' nights, the State Fair, Fossil Rim, my children, and jokes about Meatloaf. 


Jamie Stephens said…
You don't know me. I went to school with Larry. 14 years ago I went through losing a child, 5 months pregnant. I am so thankful that you have this outlet, great support, and your smile. I wasn't physically alone, but it was the loneliest time in my life. You are blessed and a blessing to those who feel alone in this.

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