Tomorrow
At one point in time, (sometimes it feels like yesterday, and others it seems a lifetime ago), I was looking forward to tomorrow. But for the past 6 months, it's been a day I've been dreading. Tomorrow is April 13, 2015. Otherwise known to me as the day my baby would be born. It's not my due date. In fact, I've actually forgotten what that day actually was. When you're a c-section mama, due dates don't mean as much because you get a set date to look forward to, instead of an estimate. Or if you've suffered a miscarriage, you get a certain date to dread, instead of an estimate.
I remember the doctor giving us a choice- April 13 or April 15. I really wanted to choose April 15th because it's my parents' anniversary. But I knew that there would be no way that I could last two days longer, knowing I could have my baby in my arms sooner. I even thought about the baby having to have Friday the 13th birthdays somewhere down the road, but I just knew I couldn't hold out two more days if I didn't have to do so. So I was set on April 13th.
I've been pretty strong over the past 6 months- only crying here and there. But there's an undeniable hole in my heart, and there are times that I'm more aware of it than others.
As April approached, I knew that people who have been pregnant with me would start having their babies, and that it would sting a little. Even celebrities! I know that sounds silly, but Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake had their baby this weekend. And Kate Middleton should be having hers sometimes soon, too. A friend had their baby this weekend, and another will be having hers this week. As happy as I am for them, it still stings.
I've struggled a lot with unfair comparisons in my mind. I've thought about women who miscarry far later in their pregnancy. And women who have their baby at full term only to lose them immediately. And women who have babies that live a little while, only to be taken too soon. And women who have suffered multiple miscarriages, and don't have any other children. I have friends that fit each description above. I compare my situation to those, and tell myself to get a grip. It could be so much worse. I think about what a wonderful life I have, and that it's not fair to feel anything but happy. I think about how 1 in 4 women has had a miscarriage. But why doesn't anybody else talk about it? Am I overreacting? Having all of these thoughts does me no good. Instead, it just makes me even sadder. What I try to tell myself is that I am not other women. The only thing I know for sure is myself, my situation, and my feelings. As for myself, I'm a strong woman. As for my situation, I lost a baby. And as for my feelings, I occasionally feel very sad. And this month, this week, tomorrow, is definitely one of those times.
One of my sweet friends (who fits one of the listed descriptions above) sent this to me after we found out about the miscarriage.
I remember the doctor giving us a choice- April 13 or April 15. I really wanted to choose April 15th because it's my parents' anniversary. But I knew that there would be no way that I could last two days longer, knowing I could have my baby in my arms sooner. I even thought about the baby having to have Friday the 13th birthdays somewhere down the road, but I just knew I couldn't hold out two more days if I didn't have to do so. So I was set on April 13th.
I've been pretty strong over the past 6 months- only crying here and there. But there's an undeniable hole in my heart, and there are times that I'm more aware of it than others.
As April approached, I knew that people who have been pregnant with me would start having their babies, and that it would sting a little. Even celebrities! I know that sounds silly, but Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake had their baby this weekend. And Kate Middleton should be having hers sometimes soon, too. A friend had their baby this weekend, and another will be having hers this week. As happy as I am for them, it still stings.
I've struggled a lot with unfair comparisons in my mind. I've thought about women who miscarry far later in their pregnancy. And women who have their baby at full term only to lose them immediately. And women who have babies that live a little while, only to be taken too soon. And women who have suffered multiple miscarriages, and don't have any other children. I have friends that fit each description above. I compare my situation to those, and tell myself to get a grip. It could be so much worse. I think about what a wonderful life I have, and that it's not fair to feel anything but happy. I think about how 1 in 4 women has had a miscarriage. But why doesn't anybody else talk about it? Am I overreacting? Having all of these thoughts does me no good. Instead, it just makes me even sadder. What I try to tell myself is that I am not other women. The only thing I know for sure is myself, my situation, and my feelings. As for myself, I'm a strong woman. As for my situation, I lost a baby. And as for my feelings, I occasionally feel very sad. And this month, this week, tomorrow, is definitely one of those times.
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